Whenever there is an emergency, Fireman Jang Hak Su is called upon to protect the lives and safety of people. The horrific scenes at these accidents and fires resulted in his suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). By subtracting his mind, Mr. Jang says he was finally able to be free from the restraints those memories put on him. “Now,” he says, “I am just grateful that I can help someone.”
When the alarm bells ring my body just automatically starts running, because I must get to the scene of the accident with the ambulance as quickly as possible. In the beginning I was really worried about responding to a call. Never knowing when or where the next one would come, the uncertainty made me constantly nervous. In saving lives, time equals life. But once a precious life is saved, the pride and joy one feels are beyond description.
The hardest thing for me was seeing the horrible scenarios of the various accidents. The first time I saw death was after a traffic accident. I had to transport the dead body of a middle age woman. That remained in my mind for a long time. After I received my certification as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) in 2005 and began to handle more serious calls, things got even worse. I began encountering death from every kind of accident: falls, suicides, traffic accidents, and more. Somewhere along the way every scene became stamped on my memory. These scenes would occasionally surface while I was working, and also in nightmarish dreams. When I visited a place that resembled the scene of one of the accidents, the memory of that incident would come to mind, and it was so painful. I really wanted to live without seeing these images in my mind, so I thought about changing my job. Occasionally, my life was endangered as well. Once there was a tremendous fire in Cheong-yang that covered a large area, even extending up Ye San Mountain. I went to put out a fire in a small temple halfway up the mountain. Suddenly the fire was all around me, surrounding me and cutting off my escape. I was almost killed, when a firefighting helicopter appeared and subdued the fire. Without realizing it, after answering all those calls for accidents, I began to feel fear and was scared whenever the alarm bells would ring.
In the Cheong-yang police station I worked by myself for three years, and started suffering from depression. The only chance I had to see anyone was when there was an alarm and the fire truck went out to put out the fire; or I had to transport patients to the hospital in the ambulance. I could only see people when the shift would change, and I always hoped that someone would come and sit next to me. I began to have doubts whether I should continue in this job, not only because of the burden of working alone, but also because of the loneliness, fear and lack of motivation.
At first it was difficult to recall my memories and discard them, especially when I threw away the pictures related to death. I would fall into the emotions and flounder in that state. Desperate, I fought on, and kept on meditating to the ends of my strength; pledging to myself that I would triumph. While practicing, I came to realize the reason I had a particular fear of death. There was a memory as a little child within me of watching the corpse of my great-grandfather being cleansed and dressed. That little child was too scared to go into the room with the corpse. In the same way, each of the memories of the life I had lived were stored in and ruled over my mind. I meditated more enthusiastically after realizing this. Then, at one point, I realized that all of this was false, and did not exist. After that it became so easy to throw away all those images and memories. The amazing thing to me was that even after only three days of meditation I could fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. Because I suffered from insomnia, I used to toss and turn in bed for at least an hour before I could fall asleep. I had always been so tired because I usually woke up three or four times a night. It was so wonderful to finally be able sleep deeply.
At some point while doing the meditation, something heavy inside me broke apart. I felt a fulfillment within the emptiness and realized the universe was the original I. The gladness and joy that swept over me was indescribable. It felt like solving an unsolvable problem, or finding the silver lining to an impenetrable fog that I had been trapped inside.
Of all the agreeable things that happened to me, the fact that I could escape from the miserable memories that had distressed me heads the list.
Actually, because I worked with the fine line between life and death, I had come to feel that human life was so cheap. Life had become just an empty dream to me. I wondered what it was to live, and through meditation I was able to realize it. Real life is not living a life based on this body, but living eternally as the soul and spirit that has become one with the universe. And so, even after my leave from work had ended, I diligently continued doing the meditation at the local center in my area.
Sometime later I began to realize that I was changing. Above all, my fear of responding to the alarms was disappearing little by little. I became thankful that I was able to work, for my work was helping others, and also because I had colleagues to work with. I came to have a refreshingly upbeat attitude and my feelings towards everything changed because I realized that this job was my vocation and the place I should be. Of all the agreeable things that happened to me, the fact that I could escape from the miserable memories that had distressed me heads the list. Sometimes I was amazed when I realized that I could calmly deal with the accidents and incidents that before I had always wanted to avoid. After gaining my own peace of mind, even if I dealt with more than ten cases a day, I never felt tired. That is when I realized that relaxation was in the mind.
More than many other occupations, firefighters, policemen, and EMTs suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Even though these people seem happy on the outside many live suppressing their inward feelings. I especially hope that people in these occupations try Maum Meditation. Just like remodeling a house, I hope that everyone can at least try once to remodel their mind. If we discard those harsh minds and subtract the heavy memories, we can live refreshed and comfortable.
Summary Kim Hye-jin & Photographs Choi Chang-won
When the alarm bells ring nowadays, my body just responds; but there is no agony or worrisome thoughts. I think, “Let’s go! Hurry! Let’s go quickly!” I just go as hard as I can to do the work where I am needed.
