When I was guided to throw the mind out at the meditation session, I thought I was punched by someone. “What on earth is the mind?”, again I asked to myself. Then, tears gushed out. My mind was exhausted, my mind was ill…… I was a fool. I didn’t know what the mind was, although I always said countless words about mind. Probably it was why I didn’t figure out the reason of feeling difficulties to live. The life that I lived went through my mind like a flash. Every year when spring came, I used to recall my childhood. I grew up in the countryside and loved the time of seasons when I picked out wild herbs with my friends. Although my friends had gone from the hometown, I still missed what happened in the past. Happiness in my childhood became the benchmark for my life, because it was the good old days when I felt liberal without any ‘responsibility’ as a mother…… So the reality had always been bothering me. I even put the blame on people around me. I resented my husband, who didn’t live as I wanted him to live. I also resented to my children, who weren’t raised according to my will and grew up quite differently from my parenting.
Apparently I lived in the past, being swayed by the memories I gathered with my mind so I missed this very moment, the present, which was supposed to be the most brilliant and radiant. I didn’t live as the main character of my life. I rather created countless thoughts from a viewpoint of audience, envying others all the time. A puppet, which just cried, laughed, danced, and being swayed by the countless pictures (memories), was actually me.
Becoming the main character of the life. It was as same as disconnecting all of the strings attached to me, who was a puppet. I started untying the strings one by one that restrained me. I let go of the string of my happy childhood. I let go of the string of resenting my disabled son. I also let go of pressure of being a ‘mother’. Then, small wings in my mind flapped as if a bird in a cage had freedom. Having my body naturally moving, I put it into action. And lethargy got better.
Gradually I could hear the sounds of others. From my kids’ talks, to the voice of an old lady who was selling things at the market…… I used to scold my kids for talking too much but it was actually their way of expressing their mind and was also the advice to me for making a change. The world has given me a hand to save me but I was caged within myself and could not hear nor see it. Like any other ordinary day, I cook for my family carefully listening to my kids chattering. And now, finally I feel that I am living my life.
Jung Mi Kim (46) South Korea